Bus Riderrrrrrrrr…..

I moved to Philadelphia in March of 1995, and in my nearly 12 years of living in this city, I have been a user of the public transportation system, affectionately known as SEPTA (SouthEastern Pennsylvania Transportation Authority). I opted to get rid of my car when I moved here in a money-saving exercise, and relied on SEPTA to get me to where I needed to be. The public transit system reaches into nearly every corner of this city, and well-into the suburbs too, so it made sense (cents…? ha ha) to become a rider of the SEPTA system. SEPTA has many forms of transit, including busses, trains, subways, and trolleys. I have relied on busses and trains mostly, some subway, and pretty much no trolley needs.

Now with nearly 12 years of SEPTA-riding experience, I feel like an expert in pointing out how much this mode of transportation can suck.

Busses: In any other job, if you don’t show up for work, you would get fired. Not so with SEPTA. A bus-driver can completely not show up for their scheduled route, and apparently nothing happens. Despite having a printed schedule, there doesn’t seem to be a system within SEPTA to replace a bus driver who has either decided to not show up or call out sick. But it’s okay…another bus will be along in another 25-30 minutes. This is especially good to know when the outside temperature has yet to get up to freezing.

The people of Philadelphia who ride busses have no idea how to have a cell-phone conversation in a low volume. Nope. They YELL TO THE PERSON ON THE OTHER END. Apparently unaware that cell phones do in fact transfer your voice to the person on the receiving end of their call, they choose to scream to their phone mate. Of course, needing a cell phone at this point is moot as the person can hear your yelling anyway, and the cell phone is now just in the way.

It’s apparently easy to carry food onto the bus, but impossible to carry the trash off. Despite the clearly visible signs that say NO EATING ON THE BUS, the dumbest members of Philadelphia’s population do anyway. And then leave their trash on the bus. It’s with frequent regularity that I’m stepping over fast food wrappers and “Homeboy” chip bags to get to a seat…a seat that usually has some visible remnants of gum all over it. Nice.

Since there are no signs that say “Brown-bagging your alcohol is prohibited” or “Try Taking a Shower Today”, many bus riders use this opportunity to chug beers and reek. This is an especially nice welcome to visitors of the city who assume that taking public transportation will be good way to visit the city’s many locales.

Subways: And I’m not talking about the cruddy sandwich shops. Philadelphia’s subway system is fast, reliable, and atrocious. There is litter and graffiti everywhere. The residents of this city have no pride or respect, and it shows with all of the cocks and cusswords spray-painted on nearly all of the walls in nearly every subway station. But I guess this form of ignorant-art is meant to enhance the sterile orange and white motif that SEPTA has chosen for your visual pleasure.

And it's normal to have at least one mother screaming at her kid. Philadelphia is just one family fight after another, and the public transportation system is a great place to see this firsthand. C'mon down...it's Family Fight Night on the Broad Street Line!

Trash is strewn liberally throughout the subway stations too. I mean, it just doesn’t make sense to keep the trash isolated to the busses, eh? Spread it around! And don’t, I repeat, don’t even think of throwing your garbage in the one of the many, well-placed trashcans located at each stop.

The subway’s crowning jewel, however, is its piss-infused aroma. Just walking down the steps to catch the subway is a nasal-nightmare of old piss emanating from….well, everywhere around you. **inhales deeply** There’s nothing the smell of urine to begin your city-travels.

The toll-booth workers are a breed apart. When they’re not sleeping (subway riders now take cell-phone pictures of sleeping attendants, and send them to SEPTA!!! Classic stuff!!), the toll-booth attendants are too busy reading their Vibe magazine or talking with the other toll-booth operator to quickly process your request for a subway token. They don’t care if the train is pulling into the station or not. Finding out when Chingy’s next single is being released or if Eminem has remarried his ex-wife (again) is far more important than taking care of the customer.

Trains: The biggest issue with the trains is their inability to stay even close to their printed schedule. During the morning and rush hours, the trains tend to run a few minutes behind schedule. Now, a few minutes isn’t so bad, I guess. But SEPTA’s problem is that they just don’t provide any information when the trains are running late. There were times when I used the trains that I would hear on my portable radio that there was a problem with the trains BEFORE it was even announced over the loudspeakers. C’mon people….you know the trains are late, just admit it, and announce it.

And like the busses and subways, trash is a problem, but not quite so much on the trains. It’s mostly the daily newspapers that litter the train.

My decision to give up my car when I moved to the city meant that public transportation would be my main method of transportation. I just never realized how many problems were associated with using it. And, I also never realized how ignorant some of the people of Philadelphia are when it comes to taking care of city property. It’s no wonder this city will never be considered a major city that people want to go to: there’s no pride here. And, it really smells of piss.