On the Streets of Philadelphia.....

I have lived in Philadelphia, PA since March of 1995. (Note: I actually lived here previously for one year, Jan - Dec 1984, when I was sent to the Philadelphia Naval Hospital for my first duty station after boot camp and corpsman school.) In that time, I have come to enjoy the city and what it has to offer, especially its arts and music scene. You all know about the Philadelphia Museum of Art (if not, watch the movie "Rocky", and you'll see him run up the steps of the PMA); you all know about the Liberty Bell and Independence Hall (I pass both of these historical landmarks each day on my way to work); you all know about Ben Franklin; and of course, you all know about Hall and Oates, Kevin Bacon and Will Smith, to name just a few. All of these are great things associated with this city, as is the awesome music scene, my personal favorite. I have also made a whole lot of friends, and have had a wicked good time hanging out with them and doing lots of things around this city.

However, as someone who grew up in a small town in Maine (Orono) of 9,000 people, I am now longing to return back to the Pine Tree State, and the coziness of small town living. Plus, I am in the process of purchasing my grandparent's house (for the low family-rated price of $50,000...how's that for a deal?!), to which I plan to move into in June of 2007.

Over the past couple of years, however, I've realized that it was getting to be time for me to get out of the city when I was able to come up with my........TOP 10 Reasons Why I'm Not Cut Out for City Living Anymore.

10. I'm still unable to just whip out my junk and piss on the city streets or on the subway steps when I have to go. Civility allows me to wait until I get home to tap my kidneys. (I'm so old fashioned)

9. I'm able to wait until I get home to open and drink a beer. Maybe I'm a pussy for not chugging my favorite ale out of a brown paper bag on the bus....or maybe I'm just sensible. Not sure...it's a fine line.

8. I'm able to talk on my cell phone on public transportation WITHOUT YELLING SO LOUD THAT THE PEOPLE ON THE BUS BEHIND US CAN HEAR ME! Besides, if you have to yell that loud, you either: a) have the shittiest cell phone on the planet; or b) don't need the damn thing anyway because the person you're talking to, no matter where they are, can probably hear you anyway without it.

7. Also in reference to public transportation, busses in particular, without a second thought I will get up and offer my seat to older women, pregnant women, and pretty much any woman in general if there are no seats available. I'm trying to come across as the world's greatest person, but the lack of respect and courtesy is quite disheartening.

6. When I'm at a sporting event, I'm not cool enough to throw cans, bottles, or other objects at fans of the opposing team. And what's the point of going to an event if you can't be part of the ignorant-fan problem, which is so well associated with Philadelphia sports fans?

5. When I'm walking through the city, I actually know how to use a garbage can to throw any trash I may have into. The residents of Philly are always heard talking about how proud they are of their neighborhoods. But, it's easy to realize that they are full of crap when you notice that soda cans, plastic bags, cigarette butts, and chicken bones...yes, chicken bones....are littered everywhere. I once asked a kid on my street who had just tossed a gum wrapper to the ground, if it bummed him out that he had contributed to the litter problem in the neighborhood. His reply? "That's what I've always done", like it was just part of his normal routine. that's some good parenting there.

4. I can form complete sentences without using the "F" word as either a noun (i.e. "you fuck"); a verb (i.e. "You fuck pigs"); an adjective (i.e. "The fucking bus was 10 minutes late, and it smelled like piss"); or as any other part of speech not mentioned here.

3. I vote against any union member running for a political office. While that always narrows my choices, I'm tired of the Philadelphia unions holding this city hostage every time a big event wants to come here, and they nickel and dime them right back out of the city because of their imbicilic guidelines. (Note: Jeopardy! came here 3 years ago, and swore they'll never come back due to the high costs of hosting their show in Philly because of the ridiculous labor rules the unions have. And if they don't get their way...they strike.)

2. I know how to wear my pants so the waistline is around my waistline, and not halfway down my ass. Granted, people over the age of 35 aren't guilty of the dropped-down-pants issue, but with so many kids running all willy-nilly around the city, it's unimpressive to see that so many of today's youth don't even know how to get dressed. Oh, and I also know how to wear a baseball cap correctly with the bill facing forward, and not cocked all over the place.

1. I will NEVER tell any visitor to the city who's looking to try a cheesesteak to go to Pat's or Geno's. These two cheesesteak places sit across the street from each other, and have been in Philly for a long, long time. I'll give them credit for longevity, but for a good cheesesteak? STAY AWAY!!!! They're living off their reputation, which does not mean that they make a good sandwich. They don't. And, they're rude more often than not. You want a great cheesesteak? You need to go to John's Roast Pork first, and then to Tony Luke's.

Don't get me wrong, Philadelphia has a ton of great people living here, and there is a lot of great stuff to do. I recommend a visit to this city if you've never been here, and I'll gladly provide a list of great places to go visit if you do come. Just let me know....but do so before June of '07.